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Are you listening? Hello? Is this thing EVEN on?!
No one feels like they are being heard and, be it adult to adult, adult to child, or even spouse to spouse, we struggle just as much to listen to what others say. Do we really have a “communication problem” plaguing society today? On this episode of 'I am the Worst Parent Ever' podcast, Nicole contends that it's natural (maybe innate or developed) for the busy, stressed-out parent to immediately begin to problem solve when someone starts speaking. We flip into “fix it” mode. We get aggressive with our fast-paced thinking, searching desperately for a "problem" to solve. Some of us even create new problems! We drive our “word vehicle” right into the other person’s lane, forcing them to stop or veer off the road. We leave them feeling utterly displaced. When we are in “fix it” mode, how do we stop OUR wheels from turning? So what can you do? SLOW DOWN. What? Can't slow down? Then merely decrease your brain and physical speed as much as reasonably possible. Look your conversation partner in the eye. It's hard to ignore someone and their words when you are visibly and literal eye-to-eye engaged with them. Listen (pun intended), listening is a balancing game. Try to mimic the listening behavior that you want to receive when you hold the verbal floor.
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What do you say to the child that loves to dance, but is visibly exhausted by the end of a long week of practice?
What do you say to the child that wants to do nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV or play on their iPad? Does running from activity to activity make them fussy and standoffish? Will they have enough physical and brain power to complete their homework? You can’t ignore YOUR time and mental needs, either. Will running from activity to activity affect your work productivity or make you a constant grump? Overscheduling CAN work for you, and it CAN work for your child. Overscheduling can also be utterly detrimental to your mental state and piss your child off. If you wonder whether you are overscheduling your children, here’s a little quiz: I HAVE to push my children when they are young: (a) to teach them a work ethic. (b) to help them find passion and drive and encourage success later in life. (c) to zap away any fun and interrupt their organic learning and growth. (d) because it’s what everyone else is doing and I’m scared that I’m messing my kids up if I don’t expose them to everything NOW. In this episode of 'I am the Worst Parent Ever' podcast, Robert shares why “ignoring sunk costs" can help you put these decisions into perspective. Imagine your daughter wants to quit after one half-tried day of Karate but you just dropped $100 for a month of lessons. Is this time to teach a lesson about “why we keep our commitments”? Are you driven by the prospect of throwing away your hard-earned $100? Or what is best for your child? If you invest your time and energy (and money!) but the situation changes, ignoring sunk costs allows you to make the NEXT decision based on where you are NOW, not because you “owe” anything to some previous decision. Those costs are already sunk! Think hard about whose needs you serve when you decide whether or not to push your child. Robert and Nicole admit to struggle to balance their desire to breed, raise, and develop well-rounded, experienced, driven children while still allowing them to develop their interests and sort out their passions organically. What if we listened more and involved our kids in these decisions? What would happen if we flipped the script to follow their self-developed plan? And then there’s the GUILT! Is there really a better and WORSE way to decide how to handle these situations with their children? Are you actually, truly, possibly THE WORST PARENT EVER? (hint: that’s the guilt talking) Each child actually IS unique. How you operate your home and how busy or unbusy your family is up to you. It’s just about making decisions (on purpose when you can). You are being ENTIRELY appropriate. When you push your children at a healthy level -- which is a different level for every child -- and you listen to your heart AND YOUR CHILD and work together through any daunting expectations, real or fabricated fears, you really ARE supporting their personal growth. Now go out there and get busy (or don't). It's entirely up to you and your loved ones. These are big decisions but that’s why you’re getting paid the big bucks (haha). There is no wrong answer here if you are operating with everyone's best interest at heart. We spend our days chasing it, running from it, and fearing it. Perfection.
We are driven to be flawless (how dare we attempt anything less?!) in how we present ourselves, how we treat others, how we raise our kids, and how we perform at work. Ahh Perfection! The Holy Grail of parenting, marriage, and self. It’s a crock! Perfection is a fudgin' fallacy. NEWSFLASH: Perfection is unachievable and, when you do get close, you will discover that it's nothing worth writing home about. Being perfect actually makes you boring. Has anyone ever told you how "perfect" your home looks? How you have the seemingly "perfect" marriage? And those kids of yours! Though I am sure you hear this much left often, they just behave so "perfectly" all of the time. Bahahaha. No. Parents who never mess up don't exist, but parents who show up, mess up, apologize, and show up AGAIN actually promote stability (and teach their children resilience) even when they feel they are contributing to the chaos. When parents take the time to own their own mishaps, to explain moments of imperfection -- theirs, yours, or one in their immediate or extended environment -- we are laying down layers and layers in their foundation. Second NEWSFLASH: the key is being well-rounded and being someone who wants to be better because they simply want to be better; not for fame, not for success, and not for recognition. And, maybe, just maybe, the most perfect of parents are the ones that are raising their children in that same light. In this episode of 'I am the Worst Parent Ever' Podcast, Robert and Nicole ask if our perfectionist tendencies rub-off or get passed-down to our children? Is perfectionism a negative quality or the character trait of the successful? Listen in to be reminded that children are innately forgiving, but how they also imitate what is exemplified for them. Marshall Swift’s simple declaration stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those slow-motion moments that hit extra-hard because I was feeling lower than low. "You should talk more. You have great ideas" was the knockout statement that I (Robert) received from my professor during my training in psychology. I admit that I was blindsided by this educator's comment. I really didn’t know what to make of it.
Have you ever received a compliment or encouragement that you couldn’t just brush off? (Robert is proud to share the full story in his recent TEDx talk, ‘Embrace Your Superpowers’) How do you express how awesome your child is and how much faith you have in their brilliance? Sharing your pride or saying "I love you" is awesome, but it's overused and sometimes lacks luster. "Good job" is nice, but who wants to merely be doing "good"? How would you tell your daughter (or son) that her words, perspective, feelings, and opinions really MATTER, that you believe that she has greatness to contribute to this world? Try getting more curious. Ask questions. Then try, "You should talk more. You have great ideas." We cannot think of an expression that would be more effective. When someone takes the time to go beyond surface-level kindness jargon, it makes a difference. You can make that person feel like they matter. You can be a huge motivator, and it can benefit you and the receiver of the encouraging remark. For a very long time, as Robert shares in his TEDx talk, he hid his voice instead of finding it and using it, as so many of us did (or still do). Nicole also talks about finding and using your voice. In fact, she wrote an article, ‘Dear Little Girl with the Smart Mouth,’ to encourage young girls and all children to learn and abide by 'smart mouth' rules such as spreading kindness, not hate or negativity, always speaking the truth, being mindful before you speak, never allowing yourself to be silenced by someone else’s voice and many others. Ask yourself these questions (even when you are speaking with other adults): Are you and your children on the same channel? Are you listening as much as you are talking? In this episode of the ‘I Am the Worst Parent Ever’ podcast, Robert suggests strategies for encouraging an engaged conversation partner, be it another adult or your pint-sized offspring. Listen in to hear Robert’s and Nicole’s take on how and why adults must find and use their voice and how to raise children who know how to speak up, banter, and listen. |
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March 2019
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